It has been hard trying to write during the past five months. I kept thinking, what is the point? With everything going on, who would even care about what I have to say? Like many others, my life has been completely obliterated due to this pandemic! I was furloughed in March, I was forced to move back in with my parents, and I haven’t seen any of my friends in a really long time. And I don’t even want to talk about all of my travel plans getting cancelled for the next eighteen months.
2020 has been nothing but a heaping pile of sh*t if I’m being completely be honest. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. I have been in a negative head-space for months, and I see no way of getting out of it. Every single time I think things are getting better, I am proven wrong. I would have never thought in a million years that I would be living in a middle of a global pandemic. Who even thought that was within the realm of possibility? We are living in a dystopian, YA novel, and the female protagonist is still in the middle of choosing between two mediocre love interests before she goes off and saves the world.
I don’t know how I am supposed to be positive in a time like this. I have tried meditating, home workouts, even knitting. Yes! Knitting! And no, there is NOTHING relaxing about learning how to knit. I see nothing for me to be positive about. I feel like the work that I put into myself over the past five years just went down the drain. I am in the same spot I was when I was eighteen- both literally and figuratively. I am unemployed, depressed, living with my parents, and developing a dependence on bluebell ice cream and Smirnoff Ice.
My unemployment benefits have still not been paid over the past four months (and the government is going to have to some explaining to do if I ever catch them on these streets). And to make matters worse, I’ve had writer’s block since all of this started. This is the first thing I’ve written in months besides emails, job applications, and arguments I have been getting into on Facebook.
My mental health has been shotty at best. I have struggled with depression in the past and I can usually pull myself out of it. But since I can’t go anywhere, do anything, or surround myself with the positive people in my life, I just haven’t been able to improve my mental health the ways I usually could. I am forced to be stuck at home, with nothing to do, and no one to talk to except for my parent’s dogs, and I can feel it slowly killing me day by day.
This mindset is extremely dangerous for anyone. If I was living alone right now, trust me it would not be pretty. I lie awake at night with my own dark thoughts and it really scares me to be back in this mindset that I thought I left in the past. I haven’t had these thoughts since I left home; or at least I was able to live in denial for the past five years and now being forced to face my damage head on. Whatever the case I just feel… lost. I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.
I have been thinking a lot about my past and everything that I would want to change. Would anything be different if I chose a different job? Would things be different if I stayed in a past relationship? If I made different choices, would it make things better? Would it make everything worse? Unfortunately, I cannot change my past, and even if I could, I probably wouldn’t want to. All I can do is try to plan for a better future and do my best to get there.
Luckily, I have a family that will take me in, give me a home, and will never leave me alone. I know there are people out there who do not have that same luxury. I am working on my mental health and trying my best to get better. I have good days as much as I have bad ones. I have days filled with laughter and I forget for a short while what is really going on. I do my best to have more positive days like this because I know more than most that life is too short to not have more days like that.
But I know that I have to stop feeling this negative about the things I can’t control. It is not healthy. I can’t just sit in my bad feelings just because it is easier to be mad at the world instead of doing something about it. I need to be the bad-ass, independent person I worked so hard to be and get my positivity back. I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep fighting because that is what is best for me.
I miss myself; you know. I miss the me who loves to wake up in the morning and has something to do. I miss the me who would send memes to her friends every day and laughing with my co-workers. I miss the me that people like to be around because that person is fun and was always smiling. I am doing my best to get back to myself. My annoyingly loud, goofy, carefree self. I miss her. I hope she comes back soon.
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