Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and when I say I am jumping out of my seams in anticipation of turkey day will be an understatement. However, just like everyone else (hopefully), I will not be having the large Thanksgiving celebration I normally have, but that just means more food for me!
Normally my Thanksgiving day starts off with volunteering at a local charity that makes and delivers meals, then we clean up, take a quick nap, and begin the holiday festivities around 4pm. I of course get a little too tipsy by the time we go around and say what we’re thankful for. (I always thank alcohol for getting me through another year) and then I eat so much food that I am sick for two days, and then I start shopping for my Christmas gifts. That’s a Spera Thanksgiving to a tee.
Unfortunately, I will be having a small thanksgiving, no volunteering because everything is still shut down, and definitely more thanking alcohol for helping me get through 2020. But on a positive note, let’s talk food. I love Thanksgiving food. If there was a human equivalent to Thanksgiving food I would marry them! I wish I was joking.
I have been through roughly 40 Thanksgiving and ‘Friendsgiving’ meals in my time, so I have had my fair share of turkey dinners. I have extremely strong opinions on what I think is the best Thanksgiving foods. Yes, my rankings change depending on who makes the dish. If Barbara is making the mashed potatoes I refuse to go within social distancing guidelines. BOX POTATOES AREN’T THE SAME AS REAL POTOATOES, BARBARA! I will not change my mind on this!
Without further ado, here is a ranking of 17 common Thanksgiving foods that literally no one asked for:
1. Macaroni & Cheese
It’s hard to mess up mac ’n’ cheese. Some people do, but we don’t let those people make the Thanksgiving mac ‘n’ cheese. Nothing is better than noodles baked in three different types of cheeses and topped with breadcrumbs.
I really on have stuffing once a year. I don’t know why, but I can eat an entire bowl of just stuffing. Especially if you put crumbled sausage in it! *Chef Kiss*
A honey roasted ham will always be superior to turkey. You can eat it hot or cold; either way is delicious
4. Dinner Rolls
This is one of those food items that doesn’t technically count as a side, yet a thanksgiving plate is not complete without a dinner roll…. And yes you HAVE to put butter on the roll.
5. Green Bean Casserole
Whoever is making the green bean casserole, they never make enough. This is the only acceptable vegetable allowed on the Thanksgiving table.
6. Apple Pie
If you buy a store-bought pie you’re getting kicked out. A nice slice of warm apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream is superior compared to any other Thanksgiving dessert.
Look, I’m from Florida. That means all of my friends growing up would have things like roasted pig, rice, beans, and of course tamales for thanksgiving dinner. Tamales are amazing inventions and should be a part of everyone’s Thanksgiving meal.
8. Pumpkin Pie
Pumpkin is a hit or miss. But apple will always beat pumpkin in any arena. With that being said, a great pumpkin pie can go a long way. I’m not a huge pie person, but pumpkin pie is a huge stable of Thanksgiving desserts.
9. Sweet Potato Pie
I love sweet potato anything, but if your sweet potato pie is not done correctly, then it tastes like warm baby food topped with whipped cream No one wants warm baby food topped with whipped cream.
I know, this is a hot take! It’s no-nuance November so I am finally taking this opportunity to address the gravy boat-sized elephant in the room. If you don’t have a thick enough gravy, it just tastes and looks like brown water. Also if you’re just using a powder gravy mix you need to be physically removed from the kitchen for the remainder of the day.
11. Mashed Potatoes
There are many different mashed potatoes. Depending on who is making them, what potato is being used, and how it’s being made, you can either wind up with a gift from the gods or IHOP’s microwaved grits. There are too many factors when it comes to mashed potatoes so this has to be lower on the list.
No, cornbread is not that good compared to everything on the table. I’m sorry! I know all of my southern states are going to come for me, but can you honestly tell me that cornbread deserves to be any higher? It is so easy to dry-out cornbread. if you do not have a southern bone in your body, then stay away from the cornbread!
Turkey tastes like dry napkins and racism. I can’t explain that last part- maybe because this holiday is really based on the genocide on millions of indigenous people due to colonization… Or maybe because Turkey literally has no flavor. There is a reason we only eat turkey once a year and it is because it’s not good. You HAVE to put something on it in order to eat it. This is supposed to be the main event of dinner, but the honey-glazed ham seems to be carrying the whole team at this point.
Who really eats and enjoys yams on Thanksgiving? Most of you confuse yams with orange sweet potatoes and that I don’t understand. They may look exactly the same, but there is a difference. no one can tell me otherwise. And if you cook your yams with marshmallows on top you belong in jail. I said what I said.
15. Cranberry Sauce (Homemade)
There is a difference between homemade and store-bought anything. That statement hope true when it comes to cranberry sauce; but even then I have only met two people in my life who actually eat the cranberry sauce. We always wind up throwing the whole thing away.
16. Steamed Vegetables, Corn on the Cob, and Salad
Do not bring healthy s&*t to my Thanksgiving. What do you think this is? A health club? If the vegetable is not made in casserole form or drowning in butter, it does not deserve a seat at the table. I said what I said.
17. Cranberry sauce (canned)
The canned cranberry sauce is only there because your alcoholic aunt forgot to bring something to dinner, had to run into Walmart on their way to dinner, and that was all they had left at the store. Not only is this the laziest of the Thanksgiving dishes, but it is so processed and looks like old jell-o it just deserves to be yeet-ed off the table immediately!
So, that’s my ranking of Thanksgiving foods? What did you think? Do you think I’m a monster like my friend who read this and called me a sociopath? No, I will not be taking any questions at this time.
Just to note: I firmly believe that thanksgiving as well as Columbus Day should be converted to indigenous pride holidays, but that’s a different article for another day.
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