Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
Here’s the thing. There is something that I need to get off my chest before I actually go insane. Let me start off by saying that I find it strange that we’ve known each other for almost three years, I’ve never got the chance to tell you exactly how much of a shitty person I think you are.
This isn’t to say that you’re not a shitty person. It’s just that from my perspective- you are. I never wanted to say anything or called you out before because a small part of me still cared about you. I didn’t want to start anything because no matter what I would have said or how I would have said it, I would have been the bad guy. But since you have shown me time and time again that you never actually cared about me, I thought it was only fair that I returned the favor. And since you loved my writing when I showed you this blog, what better way to tell you how I felt than in a blog post.
Over the past few years, you have told me how much you “loved me” and that you saw a future with me, and I was dumb enough to take you seriously. You played me so well that I actually did fall for you despite all of the crappy things you had done to me. Maybe it was my desperation to be loved, or that I was so insecure, I thought that I wasn’t worth more than how I was being treated. Either way, I let too many things slide and I should have cut you out sooner.
No matter how many times you ghosted me, blocked me on social media even though you know I don’t even follow you and have never sent you a friend request, or knowingly played with my emotions just so I would have sex with you, I allowed you too. I always answered back. Any time you wanted to talk, I listened, but you were never kind enough to do the same.
Falling for you was easy. You made it easy to like you. Every time you did something that hurt me, you apologized and said you’d never do it again. Only, you would keep doing it and I still forgave you. Getting over you would’ve been easier if you had just left me alone instead of coming back when I was finally becoming happy again.
I’ll give you one thing. You were a good person when I met you. You made me laugh and made felt listened to. You were an open person and kind. You got on my nerves sometimes, but at least you used to find a way to make it right. The way that you cared about other people was what made me fall for you in the first place. If only I had realized that I wasn’t a person you cared for.
I was, and I still am, a very closed off person. I am afraid to be vulnerable and to share how I feel with other people. I’ve been hurt by so many people that I let into my life that it is impossible for me to open up as quickly as you can. I can tell that was one of the issues I caused, and granted I did cause some as well. I tried to tell you exactly why, but you would shrug it off and kept saying that you were not that type of guy.
The more you made me feel used, ignored, and not worth making time for, the more I would close up and become aloof. The moments that I would try to be more open, you would find a way to make me feel like it was a mistake. When someone you claim to love constantly feels rejected and worthless because of your actions towards them, can you really blame them for not trusting you enough to let you in?
After all of the things that happened, I lost any emotion I felt towards you. I am no longer angry or sad. I don’t feel love or hate, contentment or care for you at all. I used to. I used to feel something. Now I see you and I remember how I felt, but I don’t anything. When I was around you I was happy. When you ignored me I was sad. When you made me feel used, I was angry. I think about you now and all of the memories, good and bad, and I don’t feel anything. It’s all just memories now.
I think that was what I was holding onto for so long. It was the memory of how I used to feel, and trying to get it back.
The only thing I do feel now is regret. I regret answering my phone so many times. I regret making myself believe things that were obviously not true. I regret giving you my phone number. I regret letting you kiss me in my car. And I definitely regret telling you that I didn’t mind your flirting. I regret you.
I regret my choices because I was the one who made them. In the end, I played myself for all of the dumb choices I made with you.
If you happen to stumble on this unknown blog post in the vastness of the internet, I really hope you’ve figured out that this is about you. I hope you read this and you FINALLY feel sorry for treating me like I wasn’t a person, and that you could tell any lie you wanted in order to sleep with them.
You were probably wondering why I am called you Cancelled in the beginning. Well, that’s because it’s exactly what you are to me now; Cancelled. Just like my Amazon Prime, my Hulu, and Firefly, your services are no longer required.
It took me some time, and all of the amazing friends I’ve met along the way, that showed me exactly how much I am worth. I have more from the people who love me now and those will love me in the future that I will ever get from the sad moments I had with you.
The last thing I wanted to do is to thank you. I know, weird right? I’ve been trashing you for the last 1,000 words. Thanking you is probably the last thing you’d thought I’d say.
Without knowing you I wouldn’t have known what caring about someone really meant. I want to thank you for being the person that made me stand up myself and how I want to be loved. Thank you being the person I’ve built my dating standards on.
I don’t know if this letter ever finds you. I don’t even know if you’d care enough to look me up. But it feels good to finally have said what I needed to say. I’d day this in person, but you already know that I’m better at writing things down than saying them out loud.
Thanks for nothing (and everything)!
The Awesome Person You Easily Threw Away
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